Cheese and Whine

While I do indeed love to whine (and rant, rave, rage, complain, and gripe), it hardly seems fair for me to be so selfish on an instrument of public domain. Hence, as I list me grievances about these particular issues I shall also provide a complimentary cheese that will fulfill the culinary requirements of conversation.

The Music (especially) and Movie Industries: I can appreciate that illegal downloaded is stealing -- but precedent shows us that it's also rather inevitable. So... instead of trying to make everything from breathing on the keyboard on up a copyright violation (or illegal/malfeasant is some other manner), could they get with the *&%$ing times. For industries defined by creativity they're awfully Bob Dole-ish when it comes to utilizing the internet. Online live concerts, internet only previews, associated product lines, more product placement, online interviews (with some ads) -- do whatever works. Heck -- they could do the kind of ploys that only the idiots fall for and release even more collectible expanded/"signed" CDs and movies. Or maybe, just maybe, prioritize paying Bob The Set Builder five dollars an hour over paying Brad Pitt 5,000 dollars a minute. The essential premise is this: As everyone is moving away from the music and movie industries they are trying to pull people back to them, rather than move to the people. When your five cent side street lemonade stand falls on hard times, instead of putting up a maze of signs... you just move it to the *&%#ing corner. Of course this a gross oversimplification, but at the very least, would they stop suing every schmuck caught with a burned CD and a limewire account.

Cheese: Indian Paneer: While people very rarely eat paneer plain -- eat it plain. It's unfinished, needs-more-to-be-truly-tasty quality will remind you that the music and movie industries also need more to be finished. The slight bitterness of the cheese bringing up resurgent guilt as you torrent Superbad and then Kazaa Pokerface.

Side Note: I have no illegal music anywhere on my computer -- I had a couple songs that may have been questionable at one point and I deleted them (Crap -- probably just opened myself up for a lawsuit there. I said questionable alright.). However, I have started trawling the internet for songs that can be downloaded both legally and free of charge. I thought I'd just be straining the bilge, but instead, I've been finding some great music that I never would have even known about otherwise. I know... I'm a saint.

Bands Who Think They're "Fighting the System": Everyone can agree that bands like Greenday and the All-American Rejects are way too successful with way too much corporate backing to really "fight the system," but I'm talking about all bands. "But Evan, what about underground bands -- they really are fighting the system" (I hear you object). No they're not; they're a bunch of friggin' bands. Their efforts are appreciated (just like everyone else who takes even the smallest chunk of time out of their day to point out bullshit), but to really "fight the system" more precision is needed. Combating the crap and identifying the crap are quite different. I already knew I was an American Idiot... now where's the IQ boosting serum. If they started encouraging their fanatically loyal fans to riot (or at the very least vote) then they might get somewhere. Hypothetically, a band could get so successful that they manage to steal all the air time away from everyone's favorite drug-addled Kafkian degenerate: Rush Limbaugh -- but any group that could supersede his viewership would be almost as bad (And now the hit single from the new hardpop band Flock of Sheep, the controversial (yet mainstream) "I drive 10 miles an hour over the speed limit while getting angry about my messy breakup and moving my hands erotically over the steering wheel."

Cheese: Limburger: The powerful smell of the rind is revolution in cheese form. Pungent and controversial it gets one thinking about what they're just about to eat. But... the actual cheese is surprisingly sweet and almost airy. It's a very tricky cheese, not having nearly the panache one would expect on first "sight."

Bing: Get the $%&* off my computer. Everywhere on the internet you can find those obnoxious little orange words with the double underline (advertising landmines), and the impossible-to-escape-float-at-the-top-of-the-screen popups. No, "bing" is not nearly as cute of a name as they think it is (or maybe it's ineffectually cute)... and no, bing is not going to take over google's empire (maybe they should have called it Cortez). Furthermore, all the wheeling and dealing, and exploiting, and advertising, and marketing, etc., does nothing but make bing look scuzzy and worthless. Granted, I haven't actually used bing (it could be god in search engine form), but I don't really have much of an incentive to try it. My guess: In five years they'll reveal that bing is a code name for skynet.

Cheese: Cabrales: This potent blue cheese will get everywhere. After a single bite the taste will last for the rest of the day and any clothes worn will eating will have to be sterilized to eliminate the smell. Also, it' dark blue-green color will stain and overpower not only the taste and the smell, but also the appearance of anything it's mixed with or put on. However, if one can get over the shock factor (most never do), Cabrales is surprisingly tasty.

Mind Games Reviews: G.I. JOE: The Rise of Cobra

Continuing with Mind Games Reviews, I now have the next victim on the block.

Be sure you don't get victimized in return, this review might contain some spoilers.

'G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra.

Mind Games Reviews Overall Assessment: Above Average

Epicurean cinematography it's not, but what is does it does well. As long one doesn't waste the effort trying to untangle (or construct) the plot, it views as an excellent action movie with likable characters and just enough intensity to keep the adrenalin goin'.

The body count is high and the explosion count is higher -- Michael Bay has been condemned to second fiddle. Not only are the effects impressive and numerous (perhaps even a bit overboard), but they are suitably epic in proportion. The movie makes it obvious that the "Joes" are fighting for the world. The local special effects are also worth while, with every character getting involved in at least one high powered fight scene. Across all levels of the film, and even into the movie's, admittedly degenerate, characterizing and romantic elements the non-stop action remains. Hang on to your popcorn kids. There is a certain element of ridiculousness which can occasionally ruin the crafted emergency of the film, but as an action blockbuster it's hard to beat G.I. Joe.

There are two opposing teams in the movie, just as there are in the comics (which I wikipedied just a few minutes ago). The "Joes" and the Cobra Command. The Joe team comes across as far better constructed, with more characterization (still minimal though) and love-to-like good guys. The Cobra side is contrived, and somewhat... dare I say... comic bookish, with no love-to-haters. But they do have the destructive and evil thing down pretty well, so they're an entertaining opposition if nothing else. Since the movie centers on the conflict between these two sides let's go a little more in depth.

The cast reads like a college freshman's essay on stereotypes -- part of this, of course, comes from the comic, but the movie did a good job... expanding. The "Joes" have the "government issued" all-american hero, his comic relief black best friend, the Mr.T style artillerist, the vaguely french (French-Moroccan) cowardly/comic tech guy, the grizzled old general having to fight the forces of bureaucracy, the white guy who excelled at kung-fu (how dare he), and the too-attractive-for-her-IQ genius/prodigy with daddy issues and repressed emotions. The cobra side has the righteous, megalomaniac billionaire (with an impossible-to-take-him-seriously thick Scottish accent), the deformed Mengelovian scientist, the jealous asian Kung-fu master, and the ass-kicking sexy librarian/evil ex-girlfriend. Naturally, there are so many coincidental connections between the two sides that one expects to find a clone.

Like many other block busters, the end falls apart. An extraneous thread of Cobra's scheme is allowed to remain (*wink* sequel *wink*) and ruin what would otherwise be a very satisfying ending. The lack of closure voids even the vestiges of plot cohesion -- but with the movie's worth-watching cast (Baroness fans unite) and endless, well-choreographed action sequences -- that shouldn't be too much of a problem.

My Blog Is...

While talking to myself can often alleviate my craving for good conversation, it does so in the most frail of ways. A staggered discourse of limited effect and one sided results: meager, shallow, and un-substantive. And while my sparring partner may always get my jokes, he is also unimaginative and predictable (and perhaps even a bit of an asshole). Unfortunately, he's also really available so there weren't too many options if I craved a "sans lol" light-weight political chat at 3:00 in the morning. Then my blog came along. And I endowed it with a personality all of its own, but because the average reader would have no way of knowing the person that is Mind Games... Presenting... My Blog Is...

P.S. For the reference, that whole intro is a bunch of crap (otherwise), but regardless, if I were to personify this blog it'd be something like this.

My Blog Is A(N)...

Werewolf: Constantly switching back and form from wolf to man, it may occasionally leave things behind. Metamorphic, fluctuating, unstable, and indecisive, but also sure in its existence as such. A human with claws or a wolf with a hand sticking out of its back. Mutant and terrifying but also mesmerizing (to me anyway -- try blogging; it's addicting). The full moon can reveal the monsters that always lurk about: Hirsutism that renders the world bald.

Expert Chef: The world is a market place: A veritable orgy of ingredients and seasonings. A teacher -- rutabaga, a friend -- rye loaf, a politician -- garlic, a celebrity -- lemon zest, a sportsman -- squid... or whatever. My blog has a full set of Shun knives, and is ready to cook up the day with new potatoes and a nice Hollandaise sauce. Despite the shit it has to deal with, the world I'm posting in (for the reference, I'm no Leibniz) like any satirical blog, it always gets in the last world: "You've been served." Sometimes the humor may be a bit stale, but writing is a dicey process after all and everyone minces words occasionally -- although it can really grate some people, so I'll try not to be so half-baked in the future (Holy Shit -- did you see that?).

Violin: A violin might be a Stradivarius, a Guarneri, or an Amati (my blog is not -- I like to think of it as upper-crust pawnshop material), but it is still fundamentally divided between making music and rotting. Sure, certain instruments may survive for their historical significance, but they are still lonely if left unplayed. A violin needs a musician, regardless of competence, and wants an audience, regardless of number. Like every other blog, this one has the twin desires to speak and to be heard. It should be noted that a violin does not describe what the "music" of Mind Games sounds like... I like to think of that as a didgeridoo.

Pirate Ninja (Pinja): You didn't actually watch all of those, did you? That's right, this blog is the combined incarnation of two nefarious internet memes. While swashbuckle-y and free spirited with strange aquatic diseases (and poor gums), it also has a certain appreciation for the shadows and a tendency to sashimi-fy vulnerable societal notions. Sometimes, as demagogues and idiots wander around, Mind Games lurks up the in trees poisoning its Shuriken and sharpening its Kunai, and other times it'll just blunderbuss its victims in the face.

Cabrales: While not Spanish, my blog is spicy and occasionally stinky. Possessing a very narrow following it always seeks to attract the next connoisseur. Although pungent and rife with mold of various colors, it keeps a certain appeal appreciable by a fair number, but remains a bit too intense, and vitriolic to every really take off. I just wish my blog was a bit more spreadable.

Bacterium: Currently small and insignificant, although always looking for opportunities to multiply, Mind Games can be surprisingly dangerous if one lets it get to them. Like any quality bacteria, it makes full effort to adapt to and overwhelm any possible threat. It also has the good/bad quality of bacteria. Some posts may help with digestion, and others will make people sick as a dog in hell. Also, it's the kind of blog that scares people more than it should (just like bacteria).

Battlefield: An open forum blog is the open plains of the digital age. While Mind Games itself is constantly battling against the legionaries of mediocrity (and worse), and even against itself (to come up with the best strategies against said hordes), it also asks for battle. It wants war waged through comments, and entire villages of ideas vaporized via net napalm. The only way to be a physical pacifist is to be an idea warrior.

Voodoo Doll: A blog is the ultimate proxy. It can attack from a distance by way of mystic voodoo arts, and absorb punishment and flak that would otherwise be directed more personally. While an incarnation of my thought, Mind Games can also host opposing magics, and indeed, even be destroyed by them. A true blog requires intense ritual and focus, but the results, if one can attain them, are magic at its most powerful and most organic.

The Surprise Wise

I am currently in the midst of drafting up a megapost/ generally busy (one which takes a ton of effort like the Myers-Briggs Post), but to keep everyone entertained I'd like to impart some wisdom. The kind of wisdom that'll show all those doubters who call our generation foolish and valueless: Little do they know.

Mind Games Finds the Wisdom of All Things: The Surprise Wise

Pokémon: As the proverb goes, " a Poké saved is a Poké earned." The un-condensed Japanese translation clearly shows, Pokémon or pocket monsters, is really about money. Now just the premise of money being a monster in ones pocket is Yoda level wise, but it doesn't stop there. Having lots of money only leads to more conflict, and the only part the people enjoy is the journey, not the results. Furthermore, money can easily hurt people, and while the difficulty of attainment is based on the amount, some risk always remains. Pokémon card collecting also encourage parents to teach their kids monetary sense.

Essential Wisdom: Money should never be the goal.

Facebook: Unbeknownst to the average naive onlooker, facebook teaches us valuable lessons about connectedness. Where else can one befriend their long lost pre-school friends sister, and where else can one post something (or even tell someone in confidence) and have all 150 of their friends know in seconds. Yep, facebook irrefutably dismisses the myth of isolation. Try to escape now that your status is telling the whole world where you are.

Essential Wisdom: Everything is connected.

Head and Shoulders: In a world as hectic as ours it is very import to not be a flake (damn I'm good). With so much constant turbulence it is critical to maintain a still inner life. By being calm and at ease with one's self, one can exert greater levels of control and be more aware of their environment.

Essential Wisdom:Keep a clear head.

Jackass: It is well documented that life is a rat race, and yet we all compete anyway. That's fine; I plan on throwing in my own lot, but it's important to understand the nature of competition. As MTV's fading hit Jackass proves everyone (even the losers) can be a winner. Indeed, by being an inferior competitor, an idiot, a sloth, a leech, a degenerate or all manner of other things, one can be quite superior. Success is all relative, and the factors that are involved can screw those with all the tools to win... and vice versa. Steve-O took on Darwin and won (we lost).

Essential Wisdom:Even a jackass can succeed.

Hannah Montana: While conventional wisdom holds that Hannah Montana is a robot, alternative wisdoms do exist. It's all about her split personality. As one achieves it is so easy to leave behind identity and essence in the shaping of something new. Something quite possibly untruthful and fake. However, Miley Cyrus and her stark dichotomization of the celebrity and the girl teach us all the meaning of self. There is much to lose, even as we try to gain. Hannah Montana also re-teaches us the Jackass lesson (just kidding Miley).

Essential Wisdom:Hold on to your true self.

Shut the Hell Up!

My friend has recently started his own blog and I highly recommend it to anyone interested in well-informed, reasonable, and objective analysis of the issues of the times. There are few things more worthwhile than solid discussion: That's why I offered my blog up to the cult of the internet as a open forum. However, unlike my friend, I do not think that all voices needs to be heard. Every view point should be considered, but after a quick consideration many of them may discarded because they lack either the information, the relevance, or the finesse to justify further discussion. Some people just need to... SHUT THE HELL UP*!

*I have provided a handy shut up-ness meter to let you no just how metaphorically shushed these people need to be.

Overzealous Acceptance Groups: The big ones that come to mind are the fat acceptance, little peoples, and neurodiversity movements. Others, such as the deaf culture movement are less about acceptance, and more about pretending they don't have a disability -- If someone can't listen to the radio/can't hear the car that's about to hit them; they have a disability. Their sentiments are in the right place -- discrimination has no place in a civilized society and inclusion (ensuring that the society can cater to the largest number of people, across multiple demographics) should be a central goal of any government; however, there is more to consider. We can't just accept obesity; it's physically debilitating. We can't just accept autism; it's socially inhibiting. I'll be a bit insensitive if it means that we continue to research causes and cures rather than just accepting everything. Society isn't being inherently discriminatory by identifying that people who have autism need a little extra help. But maybe I'm being a bit hypocritical because I just started the fairly short kids with hairy legs and too many moles acceptance movement.

Level of Shut Up-ness Needed: Knee sock stuffed in mouth.

Global Warming Deniers: I'm all for intellectual inquiry, from a scientific perspective we must never forfeit a discussion. The floor is always open and research needs to continue. However, for all intents and purpose -- with our present set of data -- the debate is over. The only scientific group that doesn't overwhelmingly accept anthropogenic climate change... petroleum engineers. It's time to move on. More importantly, if somebody doesn't believe in global warming, it doesn't mean half-a-crap. Let's say, just for arguments sake, that global warming doesn't exist and we find out 50 years later that we've spent all this money on cleaning up the air, decreasing other forms of pollution, transitioning away from a non-renewable resource, replacing dangerous mining/drilling jobs with safer ones, lower our utilities bills, etc. Oh shit, what have we done?

Level of Shut Up-ness Needed: Small roll of masking tape wrapped around mouth.

Mental Illness Disputers: There's a certain segment of the general population which disputes the existence of mental illness. Any idiot who's been to a park in San Francisco knows that mental illness does exist (Reagan emptied out all the mental health hospitals in the 70s), and that the deniers, are themselves, mentally ill. Now, I'm obviously not going to go through and attack every lunatic fringe group, but the mental illness disputers are a bit too numerable and a bit too influential to simply write off as the lunatic fringe. Here's the real issue though, regardless of how effective such disputers are at warping government policy, the health care industry will never consider them anything more than a somewhat embarrassing joke. So health care has to deal with less money, while still trying to providing everyone with care, and just ends up providing everybody with worse care. SECRET BONUS: Scientologists are a chief component of mental illness deniers and even the un-hearing corpse of L. Ron Hubbard wants them to shut the hell up.

Level of Shut Up-ness Needed: Aphasia.

Creationists: And yes, I am including intelligent design advocates in "creationists." The problem with creationists is they insist on having their debate in the wrong forum . Creationism is an existing explanation about how people came to be, but it's, inarguably, not a scientific one. Furthermore, contemporary life sciences are extremely reliant on the theory of evolution so it's worth knowing, even if one chooses not to accept it. In truth, the main issue has nothing to do with the validity of evolution: Evolution has a role in a science classroom, and creationism does not. If that's a problem, creationists can just wait until their children get home from 9th grade bio and tell them that their teachers are heathens and that evolution is a pack of lies.

Level of Shut Up-ness Needed: Lips sealed with Krazy glue.

Nationalists: Nationalists are just really behind the times. We can't keep our place as the world's savior because everyone hates us for it and it's only counter productive. If we're going to be a savior we have to get permission first. Nor can we focus on domestic issues, or afford to offend other nations because the U.S. has become so international. I don't have a problem with patriotism, but the days when political favoritism actually did anything were lost when China and Japan bought their first quarters of debt, and when the EU-U.S. trade became the world's largest. It's worthless to ask for strictly national solutions, because there are no strictly national problems. Would you try to fix your car by replacing the circuitry in your microwave... didn't think so.

Level of Shut Up-ness Needed: Entire roll of duct tape wrapped around head.

Pro-Life Activists: First of all, they're not pro-life, they're for the death penalty -- but that's not really going to factor in here, so moving on. I understand that for many people being anti-abortion is a deeply held conviction. That's fine... keep it. However, the judicial system has upheld the right to abortion for almost 40 years: reasonable legal analysis maintains that abortion isn't going anywhere. Can they still hold it against candidates, sure, but it's no longer appropriate to sabotage political movements with anti-abortion fetishism. Making abortion a "hot button" issue has done nothing but ensure that morons with little to say but "I'm against abortion," can actually get votes. Political relevance is an important component of political progress... pro-life activists are not.

Level of Shut Up-ness Needed: Mouth stitched shut.

Zero Tolerance Advocates: A good portion of new criminal justice legislation comes from the zero tolerance stand point. While "zero tolerance" generally refers to drug laws, I'm going to expand the definition to include other areas (such as sex crimes) where zero tolerance legislation predominates. First of all it's twisted: Three strike policies: Lifetime in jail for triple drug trafficking charges (which can include carrying a bad across a street); Lauren's Laws: The 17 year old who slept with the 16 year old is suddenly homeless; General Zero Tolerance: The kid who tries weed gets six months in jail on the first offense. Hardly seems like justice, but that's an opinion thing. The reason why they need to shut the hell up is because zero tolerance laws are also zero effectiveness laws. Not only is there counter evidence, but also the logic fails. With zero tolerance we get the drunk driver with 10 years of on-the-job training with felons, the colony of molesters who are free to roam during the day but sleep under a bridge, a bloated criminal justice system that has to start releasing people *see California for details, and the death sentence inmate who costs 30 million dollars before being executed (with no established role as a deterrent). I don't care how strong one's moral convictions are, if they worry more about revenge than about decreasing the actual crime rate, they're a fool who's partly responsible for future victims. We don't have time to waste on legislation that doesn't work.

Level of Shut Up-ness Needed: Tongue amputation.

Sarah Palin Fans: She is never, ever going to be president. The democrats will crush her if the republicans don't exile her first. I have it on a trustworthy source that she is a very nice lady (and rather attractive in an older woman sort of way), but she's also a political degenerate. When the curtains open, folksy charisma, and "you betcha" vernacular will do little to disguise her ignorance, her irascibility, her inexperience, and her incompetence. And the republican leadership knows this. No one is going to allow such rampant populism, especially in a system so carefully constructed to incorporate and listen to, but not be consumed by, such movements. Regrettably, for those whom Sarah Palin is not political suicide personified, she is hollow hope incarnate. The Federal Republic of the United States was designed with full understanding that Joe the Plumber cannot run the country, but his are ideas are critical to the country nonetheless. I say we tell her that despite being call the "White" House, there isn't actually any snow there, and hope she goes away.

Level of Shut Up-ness Needed: Head encased in cement.

The Obama Haters: I disagree with Obama on many different issues, but I don't hate him. Nor have I ever hated a political figure... as a person. This is America, our politics are messy and confrontational. But with much of America, Obama recieves no such leeway and it has to stop. Hate him as a politician, as a socialist, as a reformer, as an idealist, hell, hate him as a black man (please don't), but don't just hate him. Hate his character, his positions, his inexperience, his policies, his understanding, his intellect, his personality, but don't just hate his identity. Disagree with him, argue with him, criticize him, expose him, outdo him, but don't just stand there obstructive and unknowing. Hard to imagine a country so weak that it desires to oppose nothing but a man. How can we oppose someone so intrinsically as to make all their exploits fail without cause? Americans have no mandate to stand behind their leaders, or with their leaders; indeed, the most productive and powerful position is to stand in front of their leaders, but in turn, one must have something that will move them out of the leaders way. We know he was born here, we know he's not Muslim (which would be a problem because...); those are just excuses to justify a deeper level of hatred. If people really want to advertise their low IQs and foul characters so badly, they're fully allowed to just smash their heads against a brick wall a couple of times -- Oh, and don't forget the white robe; I really think it completes the effect.

Level of Shut Up-ness Needed: Decapitation.

Why we are all slaves to the Internet.

The internet is a defining invention of our time, etc. Or so we've been told, but little do most people know, that's just what the internet wants us to think. The internet, A.K.A Our Sovereign Lord and Master, The Great Nexus of Emotion and Intellect, Really Big Brother, God of Fiber Optics and Neurons, All-Powerful Embodiment of Life and Death, The Omniscient Manifestation of #$%^in' Everything, The Infinitely Dark Overlord of the Universe, The Uncaring and Omnipotent Future Incarnate, and Wendy, is secretly controlling humanity.

For the doubters out there, allow me to present Mind Games' list of emotional symbiosis via internet. That's right, 99% of your emotions are born from cyberspace, now get your ass outside (but finish this blog entry first).

You are ANGERED by that one asshole who leaves an offensive comment which no one bothers to shut down in return.

You are ENVIOUS of anything that manages to find a place in the infinite void of the internet (like blogs that people read). Especially that one friend who managed to get twice as many facebook friends in half the time... bastard.

You are INSPIRED by pictures of cute animals, and hilarious comedy videos made by people just like you.

You are ENRAGED when your internet screws up just as you are about to post an internet changing monument to creativity and genius. You are further enraged that you can't muster the motivation to recreate such a thing.

You are CONFUSED by yahoo questioners who are afraid they may be becoming "a retardded homo ficus" or are concerned that they only shit once a day.

You are DISAPPOINTED by the inability of anything you post to attract the attention it so richly deserves.

P.S. It's a lot easier to attract the kind of attention that you (or anyone else for that matter) don't want.

P.P.S. If you do want that kind of attention, reply to dyinghornybrownsugarglazedmooseantelopelingeriesexiness@hotmail.com and I'll show you a good time.

You are CRUSHED when someone un-friends you on facebook. That's even worse than real life because you can't walk up to them, kick them in the shin and be like "what's your problem." It's just the worst.

You are ENRAPTURED by yourself and your infinite memberships, communities, social networks, blogs, and other purely digital activities.

You are MYSTIFIED as to how the comment discussion on a youtube video about sheep wearing christmas lights ends up centering on whether or not god exists.

You are EMBARRASSED when you post something on the spur of the moment not realizing that minutes later thousands of Tanzanians will be laughing about how awkward and idiotic you are. Also, when you make a comment that you're proud of and everyone just steadfastly ignores it.

You are OVERWHELMED by the impossible amount of stuff on the internet. Unfortunately, most it is false or inane chatter about whether Megan Fox or Angelina Jolie has a better ass (by the way, it's Angelina Jolie).

You are DEPENDENT on the ability to stay connected and be perpetually entertained. Also on the regular updates of your favorite blog and youtube channel.

You are HYSTERICAL upon discovering that someone hacked your myspace account and could now change your

favorite band from the Arctic Monkeys to the Monkees. Or pretend that you're getting a sex change.

You are IRRITATED by forum arguments where the chump you're arguing with wouldn't last two seconds if you were actually talking, but manages to hold out forever because he/she can take as much time as they want and you have no way to automatically point out bullshit.

P.S. If I ever meet one of you goddamn forum arguers in real life I will verbally eviscerate your arguing ass on the spot.

You are GLEEFUL when you find an old friend via the internet or rediscover a blog, video, or website that was lost to you.

You are MESMERIZED by the extremely awkward pop-ups that show up on otherwise completely respectable sites. Unless of course you want a mail order bride to go with your barbeque sauce recipe.

You are CURIOUS as to who actually writes stuff on wikipedia because you don't, and no one you know does (unless they're adding obnoxious jokes to the French and Indian War entry).

You are DISTURBED that the internet, in all its intellectual grandeur, is populated disproportionately by the rich, the educated, and those from developed countries.

Suggested Experiment: Spend five minutes in an AOL chatroom (I always bring a chaperone) and tell me you can't find five people who would waste 30 minutes before realizing that their car keys aren't working because they are on a bike that day.

You are UNPERTURBED by the inconceivably disturbing images certain people like to link you to. And no, I am not going to provide those links for you... you know what they are.

You are HORRIFIED by the internet quiz that says you will probably end up being a serial killer.

You are ENERVATED by the ease of wasting time on the internet. It's just so there, and lolcatz are just so funny.

You are OFFENDED by the ignorance and animalism of other humans on the internet (even if you just as often are ignorant and barbaric).

You are EMBOLDENED by the sense of anonymity on the internet that gives you carte blanche to be a total jackass.

You are DEPRESSED by the insurmountable height of your internet addiction and how you don't actually care about getting over it.

You are CONTROLLED by the internet.

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p.s. look down for the personality post; it's below the one on bathrooms.